(Originally published March 24, 1982)
Spring is here!!
How in the world did I ever come to that conclusion, you ask yourself... well, it was the deafening roar that woke me up. At first, I thought it might be a tornado, but the sky was too bright, not a cloud in sight, so I knew that wasn't it. The noise grew louder and as I peeked out of the window, there it was. . . .
The GARDEN TILLER GANG had returned - just like the swallows to Capistrano. A lump came to my throat and tears to my eyes. I knew I had to face one more year of being intimidated. The smug look on their faces as they plowed up Mother Earth made me shudder. In my youth (two or three years ago), I too had visions of a garden that would make Jack Tobin green with envy and I tried, heaven knows, how hard I tried.
I just don't know what happens between the time I plant and the time for harvest, but . . . my eggplants never have yolks, the bell peppers won't ring, sweet peas only bloom for me (never set on pods), my cucumbers contain enough gas to fill 75 Goodyear blimps, and I have given up completely on cabbage. They never break through the soil (do you suppose I plant them too deeply?) I've even tried the old Indian method on corn putting a fish on each mound for fertilizer, and all I got was 250 purring neighborhood cats with silly grins.
Let's face it, the only time I ever had a green thumb was the year I accidentally stuck it in the Easter egg dye. Oh well, tomatoes give me the hives and my kids think anything green on the table has molded, so to the GARDEN TILLER GANG I say, "Go forth and plant." As for me, I will take my chances at the local supermarket.
Remember, a conscience doesn't always keep us from doing something. .. it just keeps us from enjoying it. "Til next week".
-Granny
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Teenagers
(Originally published March 10, 1982)
I think of all God's creatures put on this earth for our benefit and sometimes, our consternation - the TEENAGER - I do believe ranks NUMERO UNO (No. 1) in God's attempt to teach us PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING AND TOLERANCE.
Having been blessed with five of my own choosing and countless thousands of others that have aimlessly meandered through my kitchen, slept on the divan, raided the refrigerator and used my bathroom, used my bathroom, and used my bathroom, I still love 'em.
I would, however, if it were at all possible, slightly redesign all homes that house TEENAGERS. For instance, all doors would be revolving (like the big department stores) and the words "SHUT THE DOOR" taken out of the vocabulary. All bedrooms would come equipped with padded soundproof walls, eliminating a few more words like "QUIET DOWN" - "KNOCK IT OFF" -"TURN IT DOWN". Bed clothes would be on the floor (and why not, all the clothes end up there anyway). Bathtubs would come in your choice of grey, dark grey, black or mud colored rings, doing away with the necessity of the "THIRD DEGREE" of "Who left the ring in the tub".
Pets are another thing entirely. I couldn't count the times these famous words have been spoken: "But, Mom, you won't have to do a thing" as I mopped up a puddle or drove around the block for the umpteenth time whistling for "ROVER". I have been mother to nearly everything that jumps, crawls, flies, purrs, barks, and once, was keeper of a "mole". (How was I supposed to know moles were sightless - the Vet. was nice but I know he thought me a little stupid when I asked if it took as long for their eyes to open as kittens.) I once inherited a puppy that cried so much, I tied a dishtowel around my waist and put the puppy in it (I now know how the Indian squaws felt with their papooses - you do learn how to bend over without crushing the poor thing)
The list could go on forever. I have become quite fond of bathing at 2:00 AM (the only time the bathroom is empty). It is becoming easier to NEVER forget to buy washing detergent because you know a pile of grimy gym clothes will appear like magic at 10:00 PM, and friends communicate by mail (after the 40th time the operator confirms that the phone is REALLY BUSY and not out of order).
I have GOOD NEWS parents, all things come to an end - just hang in there and enjoy these years because in a twinkling of an eye, it will all be over.
-Granny
I think of all God's creatures put on this earth for our benefit and sometimes, our consternation - the TEENAGER - I do believe ranks NUMERO UNO (No. 1) in God's attempt to teach us PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING AND TOLERANCE.
Having been blessed with five of my own choosing and countless thousands of others that have aimlessly meandered through my kitchen, slept on the divan, raided the refrigerator and used my bathroom, used my bathroom, and used my bathroom, I still love 'em.
I would, however, if it were at all possible, slightly redesign all homes that house TEENAGERS. For instance, all doors would be revolving (like the big department stores) and the words "SHUT THE DOOR" taken out of the vocabulary. All bedrooms would come equipped with padded soundproof walls, eliminating a few more words like "QUIET DOWN" - "KNOCK IT OFF" -"TURN IT DOWN". Bed clothes would be on the floor (and why not, all the clothes end up there anyway). Bathtubs would come in your choice of grey, dark grey, black or mud colored rings, doing away with the necessity of the "THIRD DEGREE" of "Who left the ring in the tub".
Pets are another thing entirely. I couldn't count the times these famous words have been spoken: "But, Mom, you won't have to do a thing" as I mopped up a puddle or drove around the block for the umpteenth time whistling for "ROVER". I have been mother to nearly everything that jumps, crawls, flies, purrs, barks, and once, was keeper of a "mole". (How was I supposed to know moles were sightless - the Vet. was nice but I know he thought me a little stupid when I asked if it took as long for their eyes to open as kittens.) I once inherited a puppy that cried so much, I tied a dishtowel around my waist and put the puppy in it (I now know how the Indian squaws felt with their papooses - you do learn how to bend over without crushing the poor thing)
The list could go on forever. I have become quite fond of bathing at 2:00 AM (the only time the bathroom is empty). It is becoming easier to NEVER forget to buy washing detergent because you know a pile of grimy gym clothes will appear like magic at 10:00 PM, and friends communicate by mail (after the 40th time the operator confirms that the phone is REALLY BUSY and not out of order).
I have GOOD NEWS parents, all things come to an end - just hang in there and enjoy these years because in a twinkling of an eye, it will all be over.
-Granny
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