Pet Peeves

(Originally published April 14, 1982)

I am so glad Miss Spring has finally evicted that Old Man Winter and can't say that I am sorry to see him go as he was a lousy tenant. Never did see such a grumpy, gripey old man. Think some of his personality rubbed off on me as I sure have acquired a bunch of "PET PEEVES" this winter.

1. CHAIN LETTERS - My mailbox must have "Granny Gullible" written all over it or a magnet that attracts this unusual mail, as I have received letters promising everything from FAME and FORTUNE, to threats of "PASSING ON TO THE GREAT CHAIN LETTER IN THE SKY", if the chain broken. Well, to date, FAME has eluded me and I am still waiting for my FORTUNE, but to keep from "PASSING ON," I've sent out prayers, poems, books and even a lock of my hair (it must work, I'm still here).
2. TELEPHONE SOLICITORS -Now don't get me wrong, I know jobs are important and I am all for full employment, but PHONE SOLICITORS need a new title such as MEDIUM or MIND READER. How else do they know the minute I step into the tub or shower - get on the top rung of a ladder with a drippy paint roller or relax in the recliner, to ring the phone? Beats me.
    
3. COMPUTER LETTERS -Now this one is a "loo-loo". You cannot argue with a machine (I've found that out with my typewriter - I write TOMATO - it writes TOE-MAH-TOE). About the fourth letter I receive from MR. COMPUTER, telling me that my payment is late while I am holding a cancelled check that was cashed two days before the payment was due, just about causes me to "Blow my Computer Top." Let's face it, they are just "cold hearted and unfeeling" - DOWN WITH COMPUTER LETTERS.
    
4. STANDING IN LINE AT THE BANK - No matter which line I get in - the next line moves faster. Inevitably I get behind someone depositing their LIFE SAVINGS (all in pennies) or someone trying to prove "their checkbook is right" but HALLELUJAH! - this one I have solved by going to the drive-in bank, (sure wish that car ahead would move on). How can anyone miss the slide-out drawer and drop all their pennies?
    
5. For the last half hour I have been trying to wrap a gift, if I can ever find the end of the SCOTCH TAPE. Houdini wouldn't do a better job of disappearing than the end of the roll. I have just sent my Senator a request to put a bill before Congress requiring all tape manufacturers to include a "TAPE END FINDER" with all merchandise, under penalty of imprisonment.

Then, of course, there are receptionists who put you on HOLD when you are making a long distance call - POSTAGE DUE, only to find the envelope contains an advertisement, and RAIN CHECKS - why do stores advertise an item when they only have one in stock? I have enough RAIN CHECKS to paper a 9 x 12 room.

Gee, do I feel better getting all this garbage out of my system. The sun is out and the flowers are beginning to bloom. It's going to be a GREAT DAY.

-GRANNY